Home > Dr Laserfalcon > Ark: Survival Evolved – Punching the Forest for the Trees
Ark: Survival Evolved, Jurassic World, Minecraft, Blitzkriegsler
BlitzKriegsler Meets an actual woman in Ark: Survival Evolved

Ark: Survival Evolved – Punching the Forest for the Trees

Ark: Survival Evolved, or Jurassic Minecraft, is the newest in an iteration of survival games that pits man against his environment in an all out bid for dominance over flora and fauna. Punching trees, rocks, shrubs, and prehistoric creatures gives the player a cache of supplies with which to build fire, shelter, clothing, and plasma rifles, in that order.

Yeoman LPer BlitzKriegsler undertook a series of Ark LPs in his own idiom of no-nonsense nuts and bolts gameplay walkthroughs. Here’s the third installment:

As you can see, BlitzKriegsler gets right down to the ancient blue collar work of horticulture through punching. Bloodying his knuckles for the sake of beach feng shui, he defeats driftwood, punches palms, and strikes stone in the name of slowly turning a natural habitat into a Caveman Sandals Resort.

Despite the sporadic Billy Madison quote, “Sooo, hot. Want to touch the heinie,” BlitzKriegsler is all business. He’s a mechanic’s mechanic. And we all hypnotically follow him as his XP bar climbs incrementally upward, as he dives underwater to drink, as he eats azulberries to sate his hunger, as he stops running to cool off, or starts running to heat up — he maintains a perfect circadian equilibrium, keeping his prehistoric avatar in a Jim Fixx-like state of readiness.

Readiness for what, you ask? Well, not just a readiness for punching a baby triceratops (which results in his death) or punching a dilophosauras (which results in his death) or punching a flock of dodo birds (which result in his death), but readiness for something much more important. Something that doesn’t occur until 30 minutes into a 31:27 LP. Contact, with a woman. Not just a woman avatar, but a human woman conducting a woman avatar. A woman who wants shelter. A woman who wants weed. A woman who appreciates Blitzkriegsler’s assault on his surroundings. A woman who appreciates comfort, stimberries, the finer things in life. A woman running around in her skivvies.

And how does our intrepid yeoman blue collar LP’er of the masses react to this bounty? This oh-so-rare human resource? He denies having any weed (despite having been punching bushes for DAYS). He attempts to lock her into his thatched hut bachelor pad. Then he LOGS. He LOGS. He runs away from THE MOST INTERESTING THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO A SURVIVOR ON A JURASSIC WASTELAND. JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT PUNCH THIS WOMAN FOR THE ‘BOOB’ RESOURCE DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FROM THIS. MY GOD, MAN! WHY DO WE BUILD THATCHED HUTS AND CAMPFIRES? WHY DO WE PUNCH PTERODACTYLS IN THE FACE? FOR THE FAIRER SEX, MAN! SOME LORD OF THIS GOD-FORSAKEN LAND OF THE LOST BULLSHIT ISLAND HAS GIVEN YOU THE GIFT OF STONER COMPANIONSHIP AND YOU LOG? YOU HAVE FAILED THE SURVIVAL TEST, BLITZKRIEGSLER. WHAT YOU’VE JUST DONE IS ONE OF THE MOST INSANELY IDIOTIC THINGS I’VE EVER SEEN. WE ARE ALL DUMBER FOR HAVING WATCHED YOUR MISADVENTURE. I AWARD YOU NO POINTS, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL.

About Dr Laserfalcon

Dr Laserfalcon is a preeminent scholar, comparative mythologist and video gamesman. He can be found on Twitter @drlaserfalcon tweeting snippets of shamanistic healing wisdom, transhumanistic tropes, and contrarian news coverage -- things you're unlikely to fully comprehend. Don't worry -- he won't judge you for your ignorance -- much.